The Table Manners Of A Cow

It seems outrageous to me that I once attended the Nova Scotia Agricultural College (1982-1984). I grew up in a placid Fredericton suburb where everyone had a modest house with modest a front and back yard. No one had any acreage. Other than flowers and the odd vegetable garden, there was very little happening agriculturally with one glaring exception. My neighbour's daughter kept a horse in the basement of her parents' house, I believe the civic administrators have since come up with by-laws which prohibit the keeping of 800 pound pets in residential basements. City Hall has no sense of humour.

As a teenager I spent some time on farms, and those were the most miserable times of my life. I had two friends that had relatives that owned farms and I would often be asked to spend the weekend on the farm. Sometimes I would be invited to help with the haying. I loved the countryside but unfortunately I was allergic to animal fur, dust and pollen. These three items are three of the four things that define a farm. The fourth is poop, or manure as they like to call it. Man, you are standing in poop.

You can see that I had no good reason to attend NSAC, but I did anyway.

So what did you learn there, Ian?

I learned how to drink excessively. I learned that farm boys acted like animals and farm girls were built like them. I learned how to give people nicknames. Anyone named Jennifer was quickly re-christened Jen-heffer,although there was one Jennifer who was singled out for the name of Jen-cow. She must have been the biggest of the Bessies. My nickname was Stringbean which had some agricultural overtones. I didn't like that nickname but it was better than my room-mate's nickname: Pindick. He was given that nickname not on account of any genital shortcomings, but rather because he came from the community of Arthurette (N.B.). A year ahead of him at NSAC was another character from Arthurette who was given the nickname Pinhead. You can see the logic, right? Pinhead, then Pindick. Okay, not much logic.

At NSAC I also learned to act like a farm animal, as you'll see in today's video. Have you ever tried to load up a fork with a springy pile of arugula, or get that last piece of arugula off your plate? It doesn't work that well. Cows know best, and I learned the ways of the cow. Try it yourself....it's the best way to eat arugula.