Osprey Prey

For the past four or five days I've had an osprey sitting in my pine tree. It's been diving into the lake, nabbing fish, then bringing them back to the pine tree and devouring them. Life is good...for both of us.

Osprey fly back and forth across the lake and along the shore all spring and summer, but having them land in my trees is new. It makes me wonder 'why now'? I have a theory, because I have a theory about everything....

The Theory: the osprey's appearance on my property coincides with my bad neighbours being away (my presumptions: either on a vacation, receiving medical treatment, or attending a ten day hair dyeing workshop). I wonder if the absence of them, and their brainless (and yappy) dog, makes our neighbourhood a more pleasant place to live. Aw, shucks, I'm just projecting my feelings onto the osprey. I'll be curious to see, now that the Voldemorons are back, if the osprey continues to visit my trees. Stay tuned.

My $200 Wheelbarrow

You may remember a few weeks back that Riverview Ford Lincoln offered me $200 for my car as a trade in. I'm still laughing over that incident. I'm laughing all the way to the bank, mostly because I'm still driving my car and it works perfectly fine.

Fine!

More than fine. In the weeks since our trade in debacle, I've started using my car as a wheelbarrow. Or perhaps as a Ford F-150 truck. Or perhaps as a dump truck. I've been building rock walls on my property lately and I've been using my car to haul the rocks. I would guess that I fill the back of the car with about 600-800 pounds of rocks. I've made over 20 trips to the rock quarry.

My $200 car is a rock star! I've always been impressed by my Ford Focus wagons, but now I've taken it to a whole new level, or in gravel pit terms, a hole new level. It's an abusive relationship, no question, because these cars were designed to carry small children, a puppy and three bags of groceries. I fully expect the car to disintegrate one of these days, but for now I'm feeling pretty smug. It's the best $200 I never spent!

Come On And Eat My Brain

Yesterday I was minding my own business, just pulling out some weeds in my garden, when I heard a large kerfuffle on my head. Note: if it was in my head, then you'd have every right to worry about me, but it was definitely on my head.

I quickly ascertained that one of three things had happened:

1) a hummingbird had landed on my hat.

2) A dragonfly had landed on my hat.

3) Aliens were smaller than we'd been led to believe and they made a loud whirring noise when they landed on one's head.

I very sheepishly took my hat off (in case it was a hostile alien). Lo and behold, it was none of the three suspects that I had imagined. It was a cicada. A gorgeous cicada! I'm not sure if I've ever seen one before but I was pretty certain that's what landed on my hat. I had heard them making their cicada sounds earlier in the day, and later in the day as well. I remember, as a child, being fascinated when I heard them in Brighton Court (I was easily amused).

Cicadas look like what you might expect if a dragonfly had sex with a grasshopper, and perhaps that's how they came about. This aeronautic, naughty love-child also looked like it was on steroids....very muscly. Big shoulders and a head like a Hereford, the size of which I can only dream. It stayed on my hat long enough for me to take the hat off and place it on the ground, run into the house, grab my camera, and return for a photo shoot. After about two minutes it buzzed off, literally. I considered myself quite lucky to have survived the attack. There's little doubt that it could have tunneled in through my ear and eaten my brain, but perhaps it wasn't looking for a snack.

Road Runner, The Cuthbertson Is After You (if he catches you, you're through)

Completely out of the blue, my friend Crazy Dave Cuthbertson challenged Julian to a running race yesterday. It was an interesting challenge. Julian, 22 years old, had just come out of a week-long cold which left him feeling weak. Dave, 42, who probably hasn't gone for a sober run in twenty years, was wearing hiking sneakers and no socks when he issued the challenge.

Julian, though not on his game physically due to the cold, couldn't resist the challenge. Now, I won't spoil the ending by telling you who won, but let's just say that both runners put in a very impressive performance. One ran the mile in 7 minutes, 10 seconds. The other...7 minutes, 30 seconds. They were neck and neck until the last thousand feet when one of the runners kicked in the afterburners for a last minute sprint. I filmed the event from the comfort of a bicycle since there was no way I could run with them.

Click on today's image to watch the race video.

The Big Boy and The Big Show

There was a time when my Mom struggled to remember my time, so she simply referred to me as 'the big boy'. Although I liked my nickname, it never seemed quite right since Julian was bigger than me and he was 'the boy'.

At some point in Julian's life, and it was most certainly in high school, he surpassed me in weight. At one point in university he weighed 240 pounds and stood 6'2" tall. His diminutive female cousins nicknamed him 'the Big Show' after a 7' tall, 500 pound wrestler. This in itself was ironic because their father was closer in resemblance to the Big Show than Julian, but no matter.

For a number of years now I've been living in the shadow of Julian (aka the Big Show). The other day a friend commented that Julian was looking quite slim, and this got me thinking...how much does he weigh? Yesterday I challenged Julian to a 'match' on the bathroom scales.

Oh. My. God.

My suspicions were rewarded. Julian weighed in at 190 lbs and I weighed in at 193 lbs. You know what this means....

I'm the big boy! I'm the Big Show!!

Ian, you're only heavier than Julian because of 'the gut'.

I don't care. If that's what it takes to be the big boy, then count me in!

If Julian had a gut, then he'd be heavier than you.

True, but Julian doesn't have a gut. He's more of a Nielsen than a Varty in this department. Just look at his Nielsen uncles and cousins....they're all built like Greek Gods!

The Varty children look and act like a Greek God too! Silenus, that is.

To learn more about the only Varty-like Greek God, Silenus, click here.

Cracks In The Crystal

Nine years ago I stopped watching television because I found the news to be too depressing and the rest of the programming to be mindless. Sitcoms simply spoon-fed me punch lines and I was feeling punch (line) drunk. Of course there was still Wheel Of Fortune but I was starting to obsess about the size of Pat Sajak's head. It's really huge, eh? Monstrous. Have you really looked closely at his head-to-body ratio. He's a freak.

I digress.

The writing was on the screen....give up television or become a zombie, so I gave it up. I was worried about becoming ignorant with regard to current events, so I started listening to the radio and also getting my news on the internet. My 'go to' site for internet news is CBC.ca. It seems to be the best of the bunch as far as I'm concerned, and I am concerned quite far.

The news still gets me quite depressed: Israel shelling UN compounds, eBola disease claiming victims, commercial airliners being shot down for no reason, New Brunswick becoming insolvent, Alison Redford and her sense of entitlement, the Rob Ford circus....need I go on? There's a lot of bad stuff happening in this world. Thankfully there also a lot of comedy to be mined from the news (see Rob Ford circus). My favourite kind of comedy is the type that's not meant to be comedy. Take today's image (screen shot), for example....

Crystal Palace Closure Leaves Some Tourists 'Pretty Mad'

There is a smidgen of humour when you think that tourists would actually give a sh_t about Crystal Palace. What kind of a tourist would care if a tiny indoor theme park was to close? If you came to New Brunswick to enjoy glorified indoor teeter-totters, then you're not a tourist....you're a moron. Take a walk in Fundy Park, go whale watching (Bay of Fundy or Oromocto Mall), explore the tides, paddle a river, blah-blah-blah. There's lots to do....outdoors!

It's not the headline that's memorable in this news report, it's the sub-headline. Take a look....

Dieppe Mayor Yvon Lapierre Expects Overall Tourism To Rise With New Bass Pro Shops Store.

I've often wondered why people were attracted to Moncton. Apparently tourists flock to Moncton for the shopping (I'm chuckling). I'm chuckling because it's an absolutely absurd notion...and it's also true! Yes, people are attracted to Moncton for the shopping, like flies to sh_t. Not often that I used that word twice in one blog but Moncton and  shopping brings out the worst in me.

Wendy! Load up the pick-up truck, hang the dice on the rear-view mirror, pack a picnic lunch....we're going to Moncton to visit the new Bass Pro Shop (geeuh geeuh).

Gawd(!), do I live in a backwoods hillbilly province or what? I could scream but no one would hear me....they're all shopping in Moncton, or bass fishing.

Windsurfing On The Mighty Washademoak

Lo and behold we had enough wind for an end of July windsurf. I was joined on the water by Robert Grant (the greatest windsurfing economist over the age of fifty in all of central Queen's County) and crazy Dave Cuthbertson (who typically windsurfs alone on the Bay of Fundy with an offshore wind and an outgoing tide in January). In today's video you'll see Dave getting a nice chop hop off one of the mighty Washademoak's many rollers.