Saturday, April 19, 2014

Flood Boy Week

I think everyone has a singer or two that they really can't stand. I, and this should come as no surprise, can think of three: Celine Dion, Aaron Neville and, you guessed it, Celine Dion again.

The interesting thing about my observation is that I couldn't name a single one of their songs, let alone recite any lyrics. I simply don't like their sound and/or stage presence. Now if I was asked to name a song that had annoying lyrics, I could only name one....

Farm Girl Strong by Gord Bamford. And it's a doozy. Take a gawk at these lyrics and try to think about William Shakespeare as you read:

Her Grandma was a dust bowl born and bred beauty.
Her Mama was a boneified Oklahoma cutie.
Her Daddy drove a tractor his whole life long, it runs in her blood.
She's farm girl strong.

She hits the ground runnin' before the dawn cracks,
Pulls up her ponytail through her baseball cap.
Zips up her coveralls, slips her work boots on.
It runs in her blood, she's farm girl strong.

[Chorus:]
But when the workdays done, shell get dressed up.
Head into town in her pickup truck.
Her jeans are tight and her legs are long, man shes a looker.
She's farm girl strong.

She cooks a mean batch of buttermilk biscuits,
If something breaks down she knows how to fix it.
She likes an ice cold beer and a three cord song.
It runs in her blood, shes farm girl strong.

[Chorus x2]

Farm girl strong
(man she's a looker)

Farm girl strong
(man she's a looker)

It really turns me on
(man she's a looker)

She's farm girl strong
(man she's a looker)
(man she's a looker)

In reading the lyrics, apart from the urge to vomit my buttermilk biscuits, I'm struck by how little I have in common with the strong farm girl. Let's compare:

Farm Girl                                              Leisurologist/Flaneur

had a dust bowl granny                            wet weather British granny
had a boneified Oklahoma cutie mama        bonafide Scottish cutie Mootha (and could spell bonafide)
her daddy drove a tractor                         dad walked to worked or drove a Wankel powered Mazda
sleeps in her work boots                          takes socks off before bed
has a ponytail                                          Kojak
wears coveralls                                       wears cargo pants
occasionally gets dressed up                     despises fancy clothes
drives a pick-up truck                              Ford Focus Wagon
jeans are tight                                          wears baggy ass jeans
legs are long                                           legs are long*
she's a looker                                         see 'Kojak'
cooks buttermilk biscuits                         had two donuts with breakfast
knows how to fix stuff                            knows a good mechanic
likes an ice cold beer                               is apparently allergic or intolerant to alcohol
she likes a three cord song                      can play a four chord song (and spells 'chord' with an 'h')
lives on farm, is a girl, is strong               weak, male, cottage-country dweller

You really have nothing in common with this song, Ian. What's any of this got to do with today's picture anyway?

Did you not notice the asterisk? Legs are long! The farm girls legs are long, and so are mine!!

True, but I don't think the connotation is the same. She's a long-legged, manure wading machine! She can wade through the pig slop with her long, thin, luscious legs in order to feed the oinkers. Very practical. You? You just complain a lot about not being able to find pants with legs that are long enough. You're always whining about wearing 'flood pants'.

Precisely! Today's image shows the level of the lake during this year's spring freshet. I took that image this morning from my sun-room. The lake is at least two and a half feet lower than it was in 2008, though it's still going higher. I love the flood! It's one of my favourite times of the year....I can wear my flood pants with relative impunity. I'm fashionable and prepared for what nature has to throw at me.

Perhaps, but can you bake buttermilk biscuits?

No. <sigh>



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