The Ides Of April: Toronto Version

Let's pick on Toronto, shall we? Everyone there drives around in expensive luxury SUVs. They wear Lululemon yoga pants when they troll the aisles of Whole Foods looking for artisanal olive oil. And so what if you can see their bums? They're perfectly shaped, albeit by plastic surgeons in Yorkville.

To give you an idea as to the level of perfection that is Toronto, yesterday's forecast high was for twenty degrees. It managed to hit twenty-two. Take that(!), rest of Canada.

Well, we can all take solace knowing that today in Toronto it's minus one. There is freezing rain and freezing ice pellets. A bitter northwest wind is like icing on the angel cake. The Leafs didn't make the playoffs and their players can't go out on the golf course today. Rob Ford is Mayor.

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice greatly (rest of Canada). For all that you have endured this winter and spring, take some comfort in knowing that you are not Toronto today. Celebrate life as you slip your fat asses into your expandable Pennington's slacks. Have a serving of Super Fries for breakfast, and if you've already done that, help yourself to another plateful of New Brunswick's golden fried tubers and load 'em up with Costco ketchup (now available in 45 gallon barrels!). Stay in bed and watch Dr.Phil, even though he comes on late in the afternoon and only addresses the types of problems found in cities like Toronto (cheatin', wife beaten', over eatin', fleecin', treason, sneezin', and displeasin' things in general).

Rejoice (again), this one day a year when life in the rest of Canada is better than in Toronto.