Edgar Allan Po I Am Not

My wife's brother and family are training to be missionaries. As someone with a healthy curiosity about things (like cranes), I wonder how missionaries support themselves financially. I wonder how the missionary school is funded in general. I wonder why anyone would chose to be a missionary. I won won wonder why....why, why, why, she ran away. And I wonder, where she will stay-a-yay, my little runaway.

Run run...run run, runaway.

Gawd, that was beautiful, but we certainly got off topic. Music will do that. So.......my brother-in-law's missionary school is called New Tribes. Now, one morning while ambling along Queen Street West I stumbled upon a business called New Tribe. I wondered out loud if it was associated with the missionary school. At first glance I thought it might be a possibility, but as I walked past I noticed that New Tribe's business was tattooing and piercing.

I'd be the first to admit that I know very little about religion or missionary schools, or how their finances work. I doubt very much that any missionary school is funded by a tattoo parlour, but if there's anything in life that I've learned, it's to expect the unexpected. I decided I needed to find out the truth, so I did what I had to do....I went into the tattoo parlour undercover. I decided to concoct a plan so diabolical that no tattoo parlour affiliated with a missionary school could possibly, or morally, carry out my request.

So what did you ask for, Ian?

Well, being a huge Teletubby fan, and living in the gaybourhood, I asked for a Tinky Winky tattoo.

And?

They said 'no problem'. I can unequivocally state that there's no way that this tattoo parlour is associated with any missionary school. This came as a relief to me, quite honestly. On the downside, at this point I was committed to a tattoo, so I decided to go for it. Back on the upside, or up on the backside, they had a two for one special happening so I got a deal.

You crack me up, Varty! I'm definitely your alter ego because there's no way I'd ever get a tattoo. So....how's it look?

I've shown it to a few people so far. I'd say that people are split on whether they like it or not.

Yikes! One last question....is that your ass or have you got your pants on backwards again, you short-waisted, moobish devil of a man?

There's only one way to find out!

Nope. Not going to go there. 

Can't say that I blame you. I make toilet paper nervous.

Still on the Raisin Bran, eh?

Yup.

I do, actually, have one more question. Why is today's blog titled 'Edgar Allan Po I Am Not', and isn't it Poe?

Oh, when searching for an image of (someone else's) Teletubby tattoo, I spotted this image....

It was just too delicious not to include in the blog.

I know almost nothing about Edgar Allan Poe. Can you tell me something about him?

He was just an ordinary guy: born in Boston in 1809. His father abandoned the family in 1810. His mother died the next year. Orphaned. Gambling problems in his adolescence. Enlisted in the army under a false name. Secretly married his cousin when he was 26. She was 13. You know, not much of a story.

He was a writer, I hear. How about a simple little quote from Mr.Poe? Feed us some literary Tubby toast, if you will...something to give us a sense of his intellect. 

Here goes.....

"I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."