Fashion.....and Turkeys and Vultures

I can't walk fifty-seven feet in Toronto without something reminding me that I could look better than I do. Whether it's protein supplements that can give me manly shoulders and crab-like forearms, to designer clothes, to fingernail art, to tattoos.

The message is clear. Ian Varty, you can be a better person. You can look better. You can be more successful.

And I can unload your wallet for you.

There is absolutely no end to the ways one can spend their money in Toronto. Do you remember yesterday's blog image of 16 models? At an individual level, there's little doubt that their hair style, make-up and silly frocks cost more than my car is worth. It is kind of crazy.

At the street level, as exhibited in today's blog picture, you can find more 'affordable' ways to make yourself 'more beautiful'. This salon on Wellesley Street offers manicure, pedicure, eyelash extensions, eyebrow extensions, waxing, facial and body care.

I'll confess that I've never (never ever) liked the look of painted fingernails or toenails, assuming that's the 'happy ending' after a manicure or a pedicure.. When I see a woman with painted fingernails, I think 'ridiculous'. I'm just being honest here, so curse me for my judgemental attitude but not my honesty. Painted toenails are even more outrageous. I'm not Mr.Perfect, far from it, but how can you paint your toenails when people 'out there' are in need of real help. Painted toenails do nothing to better the planet. Nothing. I have have no problem with a hand massage or a foot massage, but paint should be reserved for the lines on the road, especially at pedestrian crosswalks in this town.

Ian, why are you going off on painted toenails? Did you not notice that the sign offered eyelash extensions or, better yet, eyebrow extensions?

I was trying to avoid commenting on eyebrow extensions as they're a matter of great personal grief. I've spent the better part of the last ten years trying to quell them. I've got a few eyebrow hairs that seem to behave badly. When I wake up in the morning, after apparently sleeping on my face, I look in the mirror only to see a few rogue eyebrow hairs sticking straight out. If I was a close talker, I could easily poke someone's eye out.

These eyebrow hairs are longer than my arms. It's like they're working as a team to build cantilevered hair shelves above my eyes. On the upside, they keep the rain and snow out of my eyes, and provide shade on sunny days. On the downside, I look like a wise old owl and not the bald turkey vulture (feeding on municipal carrion) that I am. We've all seen old professors with gargantuan eyebrows, right? It gives them the look of wisdom, but they're functionally useless and probably should be weed-whacked. The eyebrows, that is, and not the professors.

But.....

Who in their right mind would pay to have eyebrow extensions? And, let's be frank like Anne, I'm assuming this salon is catering to women. Why would anyone get eyebrow extensions? It's time for me to do some research! To the Batmobile...

And in the 'bat of an extended eyelash', off he goes.

I drove the Batmobile to the web site of Marie Claire, a fashion magazine (I think). I read about a real life, first person account of an eyebrow extension success story. Here's what I found:

When I look at pictures of that great beauty Jennifer Connelly, I'm struck by her eyebrows — thick, dark arches stretching out over her eyes, glamorously framing the sparkly greens. But when I look in the mirror, all I see is Bambi. Naturally thin and blonde, my puny brows stop an inch shy. 

Over the years, I've bought pencils, shadows, and mascaras, but each misguided attempt at lengthening drew more attention to my shortcomings. Then I heard about Completely Bare Spa's new Semi-Permanent Eye Brow extensions ($385,completelybare.com), individual hairs that are meticulously attached to your real ones with surgical-grade superglue — like false lashes but for brows. The results last 14 days. 

I'll confess that I have the same reaction when I look at the eyebrows of Scottish comedian Billy Connolly. Actually, his entire head looks like a giant eyebrow.

Wait  a minute! Did that Marie Claire article state that eyebrow extensions cost $385 and last 14 days? Jeeeeeeeeee-zuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. To me, that's criminal. Seriously criminal, not to mention moronic.

And insane. Down right stoooopid.

Yup. I should set up a business where I use surgical-grade glue to glue people's scattered brains together, or at the very least to glue their purses shut. Every now and then I feel embarrassed to be a human being, this is one of those times.

Jeez, Ian, take it easy on yourself. It's not like you've had eyebrow extensions installed. You didn't, did you?

Did you?

Oh. My. God........you did.

I officially take back everything I said in today's blog. Yesterday, I had my eyebrows extended and I've never felt more confident, sexy or drop-dead gorgeous. Women on the street are pointing at me and smiling. Some are even laughing, no doubt in the midst of outrageously pleasant sexual fantasies.

It's the best $385 I've ever spent, by far. To put how I feel into context, buying those malaria nets for the African kiddies, my former #1, is now a very distant second.

Not only do my eyebrows look better, but I think they balance nicely with my full, collagen enhanced lips.

God, you are one sexy man! But what will you do in 14 days when your surgical-glue-enhanced eyebrow extensions start to disintegrate and you look like a shedding Shetland pony coming out of the backside of a long Scottish winter, or something coming out of the backside of the pony itself?

Duh! I'll go back for more!!

And that, my friends, is how the glamour industry works. Create or prey upon insecurity, then feed off the carcass for life. Turkeys and vultures.