Distended Abdominal Murals (Yet Another Kijiji Nugget)

I assure you that I did not type 'maternity belly painting' into the Google search engine, nor did I type it into the Kijiji search engine where it popped up with sirens wailing and lights blazing.

Maternity belly painting...can you believe it?

I was searching 'graffiti' on Kijiji when I was belly bopped by this ad. To say that I was incredulous when I read this ad would be a bloated understatement.

Who...I repeat, who, in their right mind would invite a complete stranger, found on-line...and from Windsor (ON) to boot, to do a painting on their embryo enhanced outer abdomen? First of all, how many non-pregnant women would want a complete stranger creating art on their bellies (admittedly, tattoo artists get this invitation regularly)? Okay then, how many pregnant women want a stranger manipulating their fetal-fortified fronts?

Can you imagine coming home from a hard day at the office to find a complete stranger painting a mural on your pregnant wife's stomach?

freak out

vb (adverb)

1)  to be or cause to be in a heightened emotional state, such as that of fear, anger, or excitement.

For that matter, can you imagine coming home from a hard day at the office? Kidding...of course I can, I used to work at Tilley Endurables! I once knew stress, but now I know little. I would like to know if my readership of three could ever justify having a painting done on their pregnant self? As only one of my three readers is a woman, I'll not forward my results to Angus Reid, Nik Nanos or four of the five Trident dentists. 

Though less qualified than my one female reader, I do believe that my opinion is relevant. I've eaten so much sugar and fat, in such grotesque quantities, over the Christmas break that I'm feeling quite pregnant. My distended tummy is

Tummy? You call that thing a tummy, Ian? Get real. It's a gut!

Okay, my manatee middle, gastro zeppelin, or gut is big enough to have a mural painted on it, but would I allow someone to do a painting on it? Of course not. I've seen some ludicrous things on Kijiji, but this one takes the cake. I can't imagine that anyone, anywhere, on Earth would be into pregnant belly painting except this one Kijijifite from Windsor. Warning: this is what happens when the Chrysler plant closes!

Wrong.

It would appear, from my exhaustive research, that maternity belly painting is 'in'. Three, two, one...count me out. And it's not just in Windsor. To add fuel to the fire, I read that Mariah Carey is leading the way among celebrity bump art aficionados.

Shoot me now.

Apparently there's a demand out there for pregnant art and an industry to supply it. Who knew? There's even a company out there selling a kit for belly painting. Don't believe me? 

http://www.proudbody.com/Pregnancy_Belly_Painting_Kit_p/2010.htm

I wouldn't click on that link if I were you. I even removed the 'hot link' to make it more difficult for you to see that there is a 'legitimate' web site that sells these kits. Just take my word that there is such a place. In a world of diminishing resources and poverty, it's kind of depressing. What must the Chinese think of North Americans as their factories pump out packages of belly painting kits. They should already hate us for ordering Rob Ford bobblehead dolls, Happy Meal toys, and reindeer antlers for our pets, but this is going too far.

And what about the aliens? When they invade, what will they make of we humans? Will they enslave us, eat us, or shake their heads in disbelief. If they're looking for intelligent life forms, methinks they'll put their Dodge in overdrive and get out of Windsor.