So I Says To Wendy, I Says....

Our condo decor is ninety-five percent complete and it's looking very satisfying, but it's missing something.....

So I says to Wendy, I says "Wendy, we needs a demonic bald baby head mounted on a mirrored ball for the living room." And Wendy says, she says "I was thinkin' the exact same thing, but there's no way that yer gonna find one in Toronna." I says to Wendy "I know it's a long shot, but I have to look." So off to trendy Yorkville I went.

I trolled the streets of Yorkville. I found children's sweaters made from cashmere. I found women's shoes made from Brazilian rock cavy. I found floor mats seemingly made from stray house cat fur, but not a single demonic bald baby head mounted on a mirrored ball. Frustrated, I went back to the condo and had a nip of Wendy's moonshine.

So I says to Wendy, I says "I think yer right, we ain't never goin' to find a demonic bald baby head on a mirrored ball in Tranna." Wendy said, she says "you might as well be trying to find a purple possum in a potato field." She was right, of course. She always is about these things.

Yesterday morning I was at my weekly banjo lesson (okay, so it was ukulele). When it was over I decided to wander east along Queen Street East. I walked over the free-flowing Don River, even spotting a couple of ducks, then across the Don Valley parkway, abuzz with cars. I power-strode past the dawdling bums who find solace among their own outside Jilly's, a down and out Queen and Broadview strip club featuring 'exotic' dancers (likely from Whitby, Ajax or the greater Chipman/Minto metropolitan area). Wait a minute....a strip club on Broadview?? Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

I wandered into Leslieville...a neighbourhood on the upswing. It was once a home to light industry and the film business, but the times they are a changing. Leslieville consumes a few blocks of Queen East with at least one trendy cheese store, numerous antique dealers, plentiful cafés and restaurants, decor stores, bakeries and even a Starbucks! A Starbucks...imagine. Leslieville, you've arrived! Now, open the floodgates and let in the Yuppies.

No one uses the term Yuppies anymore, Ian? Get out of the 1980s, man, and take that pre-Yuppy eye patch off. Jeez.

I still talk about Yuppies, though apparently the Yuppy is dead according to my extensive research. FYI: the eye patch is now off.

And now we return to our story....

So I says to myself "self, this is the kind of neighbourhood where I might just find a demonic bald baby head on a mirrored ball", and there it was in an antique store window!

So I bought it and brought it home to Wendy, feeling like a triumphant hunter/gatherer. Wendy said, she said "well I'll be danged, you found one!" I said "not one, but three, but I only bought the one in the middle."

It's now in our living room. It's so beautiful and it adds so much character to our condo, but as much as we love it, we feel that to keep it for thirty-seven years before Julian inherits it is just too selfish. So, with Julian's birthday coming up on February 28, we're going to surprise him with it. Please, don't anyone tell him.

So Wendy says, she says "what about the capybara underpants you bought him in Yorkville? I thought that was gonna be the special gift this year." But I says to Wendy, I says "I tried them on and I liked them so much that he's not gettin' them right away. He'll get 'em when the will is read, that's the only way."

Did you really see and buy the demonic bald baby head on a mirrored ball, Ian?

I'm not telling. And for the record, I did see a floor mat in Yorkville that looked like Sylvester, Garfield and/or Felix lost their shirt in a high stakes poker game. Thankfully they've got eight lives left. The demonic bald baby head clearly has at least two lives. Now, if I could just find one for myself.

A demonic bald baby head or a life?

Oh, I've got one.